I am an expert consultant, negotiator and problem solver. A team of politicians from New Delhi recently approached me to get a complex problem solved. Here’s the case summary.
Problem : Corrupt Politicians and buereucrats in Delhi need to make more money, they have children to feed and needs to be met. They’ve extracted every penny they could from every all departments during the Commonwealth Games construction lootfest and can’t think of ways to make more money.
Brief (presented by Politicians to me) : All the roads, drains, streetlights, flyovers, stadiums – everything is perfect in New Delhi now as we have spent $20 billion on them. The unprecedented rains, which helped us earn a 15% bonus on our commissions as a lot of roads had to be redone, are also sadly over. There is a lot more money in the Government coffers but we can’t think of ways to get it out after the CWG games construction work is over.
It’s like hitting a writers block you know, for the past three years we have thought of every possible crazy idea to make money and our dreams have been fulfilled. We got all the roads recarpeted twice (actually only once but we billed twice). We made lot of money by installing brand new street lights. We uninstalled the older street ligths which were also working and sold them back to the electrifications contractors (no one knows that ok). We paid ourselves hundreds of travel, phone and entertainment bills for expenditure related to games work. We visited all countries on the pretext of seeing how development should be done and all our invoices were paid by the government. When we couldn’t think of any other way, we paid crores of rupees to hire donkeys to move construction material for the games work. The actual material was moved by contractors but we kept the money anyways.
Heck, Tiwarji almost got caught for the $20 million he made for passing that toilet paper invoice. He doesn’t even know what toilet paper is, he was just passing it to get his share. We gave the silliest of possible contracts, for re-painting all of New Delhi 6 times, for cleaning up and washing streets every day, whatever we could think of.
We are extremely worried now. Not because of the media or CBI, we have enough funds now to tackle them all. We are worried because we can’t think of how to make more money after the games. What will happen to our children, they are bored of the BWM’s and Mercedes, they want a Bentley and RR Ghost now. Only our Swiss bank accounts are full but what about our Cayman Island accounts, it’s our duty to fill them up you know.
When we became ministers, our parents said make sure you earn for the next eight generations but with all the inflation, we’ve only earned for the next three ! You are forward thinking and can plan ahead, help us, guide us. Provide us a bright idea, you are the guru.
Solution : Although my charges for such consultancy are only $25 million, considering your plight, I am providing it free.
Now listen to this. In all this hullaboo about games related contruction, you think every department has been involved. The MCD, DDA, PWD CPWD, Electricity, Roads, Sewage, Agriculture, Sports I know you have used all these departments to make money. However, there is more money to be made from these very same departments. All marketing experts will tell you that when you have paying departments, you must upsell to get more revenues. I know this is far too complex for you simpletons so let me layout the whole plan for you.
Which is the department that has not come into the limelight and not been used at all during the CWG period? It’s the telecom department (the last scam in the department is 3 years old now, time to start again). Ask them to immediately start laying cables across all major roads in Delhi.
You want cables to go from North to South, West to East, in every direction wherever there are roads. Replace all old copper cables with fibre optics, India is a modern economy and we must have the best cable system, doesn’t matter if we don’t need it because we have wireless.
By doing this, you make hugh money from the cable laying contracts. The contractors will also ensure that all the roads, drains, sidewalks, electricty poles etc will be damaged.
There you have it, lots of more work for all your paying departments. Go on now, start giving out the cable contracts even before the games are over, what are you waiting for?**
** I am not responsible for any losses arising out of bungled implementation of the well thought out plan.